can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Let's get the cat blown out
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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