so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
