Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
