Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
