Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
