Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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