FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
