She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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