She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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