from now on my penis is your penis
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
