I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
