Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i already hear my dad disowning me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
