why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
