Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
