Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
