Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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