went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
