eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
