I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
