It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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