Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
