Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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