tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
