respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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