I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
