More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
