There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
