you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
