Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
