i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
