I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
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