i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i will never coherently bang her
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
