i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
