does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
