your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
