She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
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its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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