I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
