Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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