Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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