I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
