Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
