ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you