I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
