In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
