Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
