I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
