note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were trust falling into bushes
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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