Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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