I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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