omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
