he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
