kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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