I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize