Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
