OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
