I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
