i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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