I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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