I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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