i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
