I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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