i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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